


Secrets Secrets are No Fun

by BastardSonOfDay (Diana_Raven)



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: A-Spec!Azriel, Asexual!Lucien Vanserra, F/M, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Morrigan is Gay, Other, Self-Loathing, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Vomit, all of prythian is lgbt+, coming to terms with sexuality, hell yeah, internalized aphobic, its for reasons, like nobody, mention of sexual abuse, no one is straight, sex-revulsion, theres some slash and mentions of slash but no actual... like... relationship, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 16:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14430027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diana_Raven/pseuds/BastardSonOfDay
Summary: Lucien has a secret and Azriel is hellbent on figuring it out. For better or for worse.





	Secrets Secrets are No Fun

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhhhhh so Lucien is a sex-repulsed asexual, and nobody is straight. Like I said, probably not what you were thinking when I posted on tumblr about it.

Lucien Vanserra had a secret that only one person had ever known. Jes had loved him anyway, had promised him that it didn’t matter—but Lucien knew better. Lucien couldn’t tell anyone, if someone did know his whole facade would crash down around his ears and no one would believe him ever again. No one would need him. No one would want him.

* * *

Cassian almost found out. He’d gotten too close.

They were at Rita’s. Just the boys for some fun. Lucien and Cassian were wasted and had ended up in the coat closet because they were going to go back to the House of Wind. Lucien dropped a coat and bent down to pick it up. They were alone and Cassian stumbled, falling onto Lucien, knocking them both into the floor.

Cassian giggled as he sat up, looking at Lucien.

He was close. Too close.

Cassian leaned in, a hand on Lucien’s hip. The touch and the alcohol and the closeness and knowing what was about to happen- it was too much, revulsion crawled up Lucien’s skin and Lucien threw up in Cassian’s lap.

Cassian just blamed it on the alcohol. Lucien knew better.

* * *

Lucien’s head hurt worse than it ever had before. He stumbled out of his room, and down the hall. His stomach growled, and his lips were chapped and dry. Thankfully, the House of Wind hallways were soft colors and dark and gloomy. Lucien never thought he would like dark and gloomy. Autumn, Spring, everywhere he’d lived it had been bright and even in the dark it was never gloomy.

He managed to find his way to the dining room. He could tell because the minute he entered the brightness on the world dramatically increased and Lucien’s headache got worse.

He smelled coffee.

“Morning~” Feyre sang, handing Lucien a steaming cup.

“No nooo,” Lucien tried to say, but his mind didn’t want to make words, “nooo, shhhhh...”

Feyre laughed. “Need help getting to the table?”

“I’m fine.” Lucien grumbled as he found his way to the dining room table. He took a huge sip of the beverage, making him wake up because he’d just burned his mouth, and helping lessen his headache slightly.

Cassian had already woken up. He sat with his head on the table, glasses of ice water haloed around his face.

“Morning.” Lucien greeted.

Cassian made a noncommittal noise.

“Boys’ night got a little out of hand?” Mor asked. She sat in the chair next to Lucien and crossed her legs before reaching for the tea selection.

Lucien frowned. “Why are you...” His brain seemed to be angry at him, “… head hurts.” He said as an explanation of his speech was slow and his eyes were squeezed closed, “Time?”

“Noon. You’re just in time for lunch.” Nesta said sourly. She’d hoped that Lucien wouldn’t wake up at all. Lucien had half a mind to hope he wouldn’t have woken up either.

“You know, for someone who was clearly trashed last night, you seem pretty put together.” Feyre said.

Lucien shrugged as he sipped his coffee. “Practice.”

Cassian mumbled something that vaguely sounded like “fuck you.”

A new set of footsteps entered the room and Lucien shaded his eyes to slightly alleviate his pounding head. Azriel walked into the room shirtless and sweating. _Of course_ , Lucien thought bitterly, _of course Azriel would look like Prythian’s next top model the day after he got so drunk he started dancing the macarena with lesbians._

“I’m hungry!” Azriel said with a grin. He plopped down onto the chairs and clapped his hands to which both Lucien and Cassian protested. He chuckled sadistically.

Mor sniffed disdainfully. “You need a shower.”

“I’m going back out after family lunch. Speaking of which, is Rhys still asleep?” Azriel asked. He reached for some of the food set out (which Lucien had just realized was on the table).

Elain slapped his hands. Azriel retracted them.

“I let him sleep in. He stayed up pretty late.” Feyre said with a grin and a wink.

“Ew,” Lucien grumbled. Feyre laughed and slapped Lucien on the back as she sat on the other side of him. “Ow.”

“Anyway, we should start without him.”

“Lucien, what was that last night?” Elain asked suddenly. All heads turned. Except Cassian’s which stayed placed on the table between its cage of ice water. “I felt… something weird.”

Lucien flushed. “Nothing.” She couldn’t know. Elain _couldn’t_ know. _Please Mother,_ Lucien prayed, _please make her not know._

“He threw up on me.” Cassian grumbled.

“Wow, he managed a whole sentence. That’s progress.” Azriel said as he reached over Cassian for the rice.

“You threw up on him?” Feyre said pityingly. She patted Lucien’s back soothingly.

“That explains your lack of pants!” Mor cried.

“ _Shhhhh…_!” Cassian and Lucien hushed in unison.

“Oh yeah. Rita offered to wash them for him, and he could pick them up later. I knew I was forgetting something.” Az said before shoveling food in his mouth.

“How do you do it?” Lucien asked horrified. He looked down at his own plate and pushed it away, too nauseous to eat it. He decided to stick with coffee.

“This is Az’s usual post-drinking session. And I hate him for it.” Mor said, watching Az stuff his face.

“You’re just jealous.”

“You’re unusually talkative today.” Nesta said accusingly.

Azriel shrugged and continued to chew.

The sound of feet padding across the floor announced the High Lord’s arrival.

“It lives!” Mor cried.

“ _SHHHH_!”

Mor chuckled.

“So, what are we talking about?” Rhys asked softly as he sat down. He reached for the pitcher of coffee and Feyre took it from him so he wouldn’t spill it all over himself.

“Did you know Lucien threw up on Cassian last night?” Feyre asked.

“So I guess everyone has to know, huh Feyre?” Lucien grumbled, growing red.

“Well yeah. Why else would Cassian come home missing pants?” Rhys mumbled.

Elain shook her head.

“That’s not something that should be a given!”

Everyone laughed and Lucien decided it was best that they all thought that he’d thrown up from alcohol poisoning.

As Azriel watched Lucien shift in his seat, rubbing his hands in a warming gesture around his mug, Az knew something was wrong. He was unsure about what exactly it was, but something was wrong. And it wasn’t snooping, Azriel rationalized, because this was his job, and it had nothing to do with Elain or Rhys or Feyre at all. Nope. This was all for the sake of his intelligence gathering.

* * *

Lucien was glad that Elain was close to Azriel. Sure, it hurt, but it also hurt because he felt guilty. So yeah, it hurt but the clear-headed part of Lucien was glad that Elain could fall in love one day with Azriel. Because then she’d be spared… Lucien. And Lucien telling her the truth. Lucien didn’t know if he could do that. He didn’t know what she would think of him if she knew the truth. Lucien couldn’t stand that rejection.

* * *

“Hey, you okay?” Feyre asked him one day over tea.

Lucien nodded. “Fine. Why?”

“You seem… on edge recently. Ever since-ever since the Boys’ night-did something happen that night?”

Lucien shook his head. “No. Nothing happened. Really Feyre, I’m okay.”

“Okay… if you say so.”

Lucien squeezed her hand reassuringly.

“So, I heard you and Rhys have been working on our post-trade agreement feast with Winter.”

“Yep.”

“Are you going to be okay… with…?” She let the question hang.

Lucien took a deep breath and thought before speaking, choosing his words carefully. Rhys had asked Lucien to flirt with one of the Grand Countesses of Winter, something to do with avoiding international incidents and hopefully defusing volatile relations with charm… whatever. Lucien was used to doing this, Tamlin had asked him to flirt for political means a lot. It was part of his job as Emissary.

It made his secret easier to hide, he believed. Easier to hide and easier to deal with, if he pretended to be normal. If he pretended maybe he could be… he wanted- Jes.

Oh Jes… Jes was the only person who understood, who was okay with his secret. Jes…

“I’ll be fine. Nothing I can’t handle.” Lucien said with a shrug. And he was right. But Feyre was still worried, because she was a good friend.

“If it ever makes you uncomfortable, you know you can come straight to any of us and we’ll make sure you never have to do something like that again.” Feyre promised.

“I _know_ , Feyre. I promise, I’m cool with flirting. I’m used to it.”

“I just-After everything that happened with Ianthe...”

 _Oh. So that’s what this was about._ Lucien sighed kindly. “Nothing like that will ever happen again, thanks to you.”

Feyre frowned. “I’m… worried about you.”

“I know.”

Feyre leaned over and squeezed Lucien’s free hand. Lucien squeezed it back.

* * *

Azriel was forced to do something he never thought he’d do. He called Alis of the Spring Court. “I’m not quite sure how you want me to help you.” Alis said as she chose a menu for that night’s dinner.

“I just want to know about Lucien’s relationship with Ianthe.”

“Why would I know about that? And can’t you just ask him?”

“I’m not going to burden Lucien like that. And don’t shit with me like that, you know as well as I that the women of the household know everything.”

Alis frowned.

“Look, Lucien and that bitch had their own-”

“I’m worried about him, Alis. Please. Feyre always said you were the one to go to when she needed help.”

Alis glared at Azriel. “That was below the belt.”

“I know.”

Alis chewed on the inside of her lip. “Ianthe came onto him. As I’m sure you know, she liked to do that. Consensual or not.”

“How far did it go?”

“Too far.”

 _I see_.

“Thank you, Alis.”

“Good luck with whatever you’re doing, Shadowsinger.” And with that, Alis signed off.

Azriel sat back in his chair, staring at the door to his office. Something was wrong with Lucien, and he didn’t think that was it.

* * *

“Three hundred and fifty six.” Cassian said proudly.

“No.” Rhysand argued. “That’s bullshit.”

“ _Three hundred and fifty six._ ” Cassian insisted.

“No.” Azriel said flatly.

“See! Az agrees with me. And he’s a Shadowsinger. He’d _know_.”

“Uh, _yes_. I’m not lying.”

“Cass, I know you. You haven’t had more than three hundred.”

Cassian’s mouth dropped open. “Not true! You haven’t been with me _every_ second of _every_ day!”

“It’s impossible, Cass.”

“Oh, it’s possible.” Lucien said.

“See!”

“But, Cassian is still lying.”

“Hey! I thought you were on my side!”

Lucien snorted. “Please.”

“How would you know that, anyway?” Cassian asked, taking a swig from his beer.

Lucien raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

“ _You?_ Three hundred and fifty six?” Rhysand said incredulously.

Lucien straight out laughed. “No.”

“No? Then how do you know it can happen?” Rhysand asked.

“Maybe I’m just not one to kiss and tell.”

“Or maybe you’ve just met Helion before.” Az said with a smirk.

“Please, Helion’s number is _way_ higher than that.” Lucien said, rolling his eyes. “And unfortunately, he _is_ one to talk about it.”

“So what about you, Lucien? If not three hundred and fifty, then what?”

Lucien snorted. “I’m not telling.”

“So... _a lot,_ then?” Rhysand asked, waggling his eyebrows.

“Woo! Good job, Foxy!” Cassian said, slapping Lucien’s leg.

“What’s the number?”

“You’re not going to stop asking until I answer, are you?” Lucien asked. The men nodded eagerly. “Believe it or not, I haven’t had any sexual partners since Jes.”

The Illyrians’ jaws dropped.

“ _None_?”

“Well,” Lucien crossed his legs uncomfortably, “Ianthe. But, that was for magical reasons.”

Rhysand nodded, but said nothing.

“Really? _None?_ ” Cassian asked, eyes wide. “I-I can’t imagine _none_! She died so many-!” Az cleared his throat and kicked Cassian.

“Oh.” Cassian said softly, understanding. “Sorry.”

Lucien shrugged. “It’s okay, Cass. It _was_ a long time ago.” Lucien took a moment of silence, rolling the stem of his wine glass between his fingers. A small smile lit his face. He looked back at the boys, and cleared his throat. “Anyway.” He blinked the water from his eyes, “Cass is still lying.”

Cassian’s eyes widened, good-natured laughter on his lips. “I am _not_! I would _never_!”

* * *

Elain sighed, leaning her head on Lucien’s shoulder while he read to her.

Lucien paused to take a drink of water.

“You have a pretty voice.” Elain hummed.

Lucien smiled at her. Elain shifted so she was laying more on his chest than his shoulder. “Thank you.” Lucien reopened the book and resumed reading from it.

Lucien read until he heard even breathing from Elain. He frowned, and twisted gently to see if Elain was okay. As it turned out, Elain had fallen asleep.

Lucien let out a small laugh, rousing Elain. _Shit_. He hadn’t wanted to do that.

“Sorry.”

Elain hummed softly. “It’s okay. I want to hear the rest of the story anyway.” Elain sat up, yawning. She was so beautiful, Lucien thought. So, so beautiful. And sweet.

Elain’s eyes fluttered open. Lucien’s breath caught. Elain smiled at him.

They were so close. Elain wondered if the fluttering in her chest was what this Mating Bond was supposed to feel like.

Elain began to lean forward, and Lucien watched as she came close to him. Her lips pressed against his, and despite what he wanted, Lucien’s stomach turned. Lucien stumbled backwards on the couch (to get way from the feeling more than Elain herself, of course), and Elain fell forward. Elain was surprised; had she done something wrong?

“I’m-I’m sorry, Elain. I-We should go to bed. It’s late.” Lucien stood swiftly, and drained everything in his glass.

“Lucien, have I… upset you? I didn’t mean to-!”

“You didn’t! Everything is fine, Elain. I just… am suddenly tired. And you were falling asleep, you should go to bed.” Lucien said as he began obsessively putting the pitcher and the glass in the sink.

“But-”

“You’re exhausted Elain, don’t stay up on my account.” Lucien insisted. He closed his book and began walking out of the room.

He left Elain alone and confused. “But… I want to stay up with you.”

* * *

“And he just… left?” Azriel asked Elain over tea. Elain nodded.

“It was so weird, Az. One minute, I think I’m going to kiss him, and the next he’s out the door.” Elain sipped from her cup.

“Hmmm… that _is_ weird. Did he give a reason?”

“He just said that I should go to bed, that I was probably tired.”

Azriel pursed his lips, swirling the honey in his tea.

Elain cocked his head. “What are you thinking?”

“Nothing… Would you do something for me, Elain? And keep in mind you have complete and utter right to say no, as always.”

Elain crossed her legs. “What do you want me to do?”

“Could you… possibly… this is going to sound weird—kiss Lucien again, and tell me how he reacts?”

Elain was confused. “… Pardon?”

“Could you kiss Lucien for me?”

“First, that _is_ a very odd request. Second, I… don’t know how comfortable I feel doing that.”

Azriel figured she would say that. He shrugged. “Okay. I had to ask.”

“Why _did_ you ask?”

Azriel shifted, uncomfortable with the question. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he didn’t want to answer either. “Call it… professional curiosity.”

Elain made a face and took a sip. She thought for a moment. Was it really that bad? She did want to kiss Lucien, or at least try it. If she was going to attempt to kiss him again anyway, why not report his reaction?

“Maybe.” Elain conceded. “… Maybe.”

“Thanks. It’s a big help.”

* * *

The war room was quiet as Azriel studied the report Lucien had given him. Amren flipped through a profile on a new spy recruit. Lucien raised an eyebrow. “Well?”

“I think this new recruit has other priorities.” Amren said. She dropped the file down, and groaned, rubbing her eyes. “I hate this form.” She mumbled. “My eyes never used to hurt before.”

“Can’t relate.” Lucien said, twirling a pen between his fingers.

Amren raised an eyebrow and sighed.

“Good job, Lucien.” Azriel said, passing the report back to him. “I’m impressed. You had no trouble?”

Lucien snorted. “ _Please_ , Day Court royals will spill their guts if only for a promise of a kiss on the cheek.”

Azriel sat back in his chair. Amren was suddenly interested in the conversation. “Oh?”

“Like you didn’t already know that.”

“And did you?”

Lucien snorted. “I didn’t need to.”

“And this works for _every_ Day Court royal?” Amren asked.

“Well, of course not _every_ one. And shouldn’t you know this?”

Amren shrugged. “I only recently started listening to all of you. Figured now that I have to live with all of you, I may as well actually learn this spy stuff. Being second in command and all.”

“Winter Court tends to be more reserved in public. Autumn will do anything if you get any amount of beer in them. Summer is trickier, especially since the Ambassadors to the other Fae classes have been added to the formal gatherings. And Tarquin has been training them well not to spill anything. Dawn is just a much of a sucker for kisses as Day, but they also crumble for sweets. And Spring…” Lucien bit his bottom lip. It was always hard for him to talk about Spring. “Well, I know everything there is to know about Spring.”

Amren let out a huff. “It’s information like this, Foxy, that makes me glad you’re on our side.”

Lucien grinned, his eyes far off and his mind preoccupied. “I could say the same about you.”

Amren shrugged off the compliment. “Don’t humor me.” _I know Az invites me to these things so I feel important._ She thought.

“Amren is right. You’re a useful addition to my network. And a good ear to listen to.” Azriel said with a smile.

Lucien flushed. “C’mon guys, you’re embarrassing me.” He joked.

“Oh ew. If we’re talking about feelings, I’m leaving.” Amren said, standing up and stretching.

“Sit down, I’m not done.” Az said, rolling his eyes and waving a hand. Amren groaned and flopped back onto the couch.

Azriel and Lucien talked a little more, and occasionally Amren put in her two cents. The discussion circled around to the connections that sleeping with people in other Courts made, when Amren made a joke about Varian and Azriel mentioned his own experience with some Winter girls and Lucien stayed conspicuously silent. Amren hadn’t seemed to notice, and when Lucien brought up Varian’s relationship with Cresseida Amren grew defensive and snapped something back about Lucien’s “true relationship with Alis” and Lucien narrowed his eyes, angrily.

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what it sounds like.”

“Alis is _off_ limits. She has done _nothing_ but try and keep her nephews safe!”

“What’s it to you, anyway? You seem fine with us screwing with Tamlin!”

“Tamlin is a bad person!”

“Alis is his closest ally at this point!”

“She’s just trying to make a living!”

“Oh? And are you sure that’s the only reason you’re protecting her?”

“ _Excuse me_?”

“You heard me.”

“A-Alis and me-That’s ridiculous! Fuck you! You know nothing about me!”

“Really, Foxy? Ridiculous? There’s a reason they call you ‘fox boy’, isn’t there?”

Lucien stood, his chair screeching backwards. “Screw you.” He growled. Lucien turned to Azriel. “Call me when you want me to work with you again.” Lucien turned to Amren. “And you? Don’t bother.” He turned and stomped out.

Amren flushed and huffed. “What crawled up his ass and died?” She grumbled.

“You should apologize.”

Amren’s eyes flashed. “I have nothing to apologize for. It was a joke. Dunno what his problem is.” She stood up and stomped out as well.

Azriel groaned and put his face in his hands. He’d have to iron out this argument—couldn’t have his two best strategists fighting like that. Lucien must have blown up like that because of the disrespect Amren had shown her. That had to be it. Azriel was sure there was no other reason, and Amren _had_ been out of line...

* * *

Elain left Azriel’s office and Azriel mulled over the information she’d just given him. Elain had tried to kiss Lucien again, and again he had rejected her. He’d given her a flimsy excuse and she’d accepted the rejection.

But Azriel knew that there was a real, actual reason Lucien didn’t want to kiss Elain. A reason he’d thrown up when Cass had tried to kiss him. A reason for-

Oh.

 _Oh_!

But… why was he hiding it?

Azriel did the only thing he could do. He went out to a Velaris liquor store, bought a bottle of the best Dawn Booze out there, went to Mor’s and knocked on the door.

Some time and half a bottle later, Mor and Azriel were on the roof of the House of Wind. Really, what was the point of living in the Night Court when you didn’t go out every night and stare up at the stars? They giggled and held one another while they passed the bottle back and forth. Mor had also pilfered a couple bottles of vodka from the House of Wind liquor cabinet.

Mor took a deep, happy breath. “So, why did you want to get drunk with me?” She asked. She swung an arm around Azriel.

Az frowned, rolling the bottle between his warm hands.

“Oh, so it’s work related is it?”

Az gave Mor a puzzled look.

“You always want to get drunk to get an epiphany when it’s about work.” Mor said simply.

“Well, you’re wrong this time.” Azriel stretched. “It’s not… exactly work.”

“No?”

“It’s… Hmm…” Az bit his lip. “Why haven’t you come out publicly?”

Mor’s eyes widened. “What?” She sat up, sobering.

It was the liquor that made Az roll his eyes. “I’m not an idiot, Mor. You’re gay.”

Mor stared at him for a second. Then sank back to the ground, nursing her booze. “Yeah. I am.”

“Why haven’t you come out publicly?” Az repeated.

“Because… I don’t want anyone to know.”

“Why?”

“I… I was afraid to how you would react.”

Azriel sat up, taking her hand. “Mor… you know that I love you for who you are. And if you who are changes, then I still love you. And you know…” Az pressed a kiss to her hand, “I’m not particularly straight myself.”

“You-You’re not?”

“We love you for _you_ Mor, not who you love. And yes. I’m not straight. But Mor, will you tell us now that you know that we love you unconditionally?”

Mor stared at him. “I… I don’t know if I’m ready.” She said softly.

Azriel frowned. He hadn’t thought about that.

“Thank you, Mor.”

“I… think I should be the one thanking you.” Mor said softly. “I’m glad we got drunk tonight.”

Az smiled. “Me too.”

“Hey Az?”

“Hmm?”

“You in love with Elain now?”

“Hmmm...” Az mulled the question over. “I’m not sure. Maybe.”

“Maybe? That’s reassuring.”

“I _was_ in love with you.”

“Oh.” Mor said in an unsurprised tone.

“You knew.”

“… Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault who you love.”

“I’m sorry I caused such turmoil in you. I’m sorry I caused such hatred.”

“You didn’t cause anything. My self-loathing… that comes from years of abuse and my worth hinging on my use as a heterosexual man’s sex slave. It had nothing to do with you.”

Az stayed silent for a time. He stood.

“I have to go.”

“Az, don’t-Don’t run away-!”

“I’m not. I’m… I’m going to figure something out, once and for all. I love you Mor, don’t forget that.” Az walked downstairs.

He searched the rooms, drinking what he had left of his wine. Finally he found the one he was looking for. Azriel knocked on the door (slightly louder than necessary). Lucien was half asleep, his hair up in a messy bun, his pajama pants were askew on his hips, and he was shirtless. Well, Az reasoned, it was kinda hot out.

“Hi. Would you kiss me?” Az asked, pushing past Lucien and into his room.

“I’m confused and you’re-” Lucien took a whiff of Az’s breath as he passed, “drunk.”

Az shrugged. “Would you?”

“No.”

Az narrowed his eyes. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to… and… you’re straight last I checked.”

Az snorted. “ _Please_. No one is straight in this country. But _that’s_ not the real answer.”

“Yes it is.”

“No! You’re lying about why you don’t want to kiss me! You won’t kiss me, you won’t kiss Elain! Who _will_ you kiss?”

“Why do you want me to kiss _anyone_?” Lucien put his hands on his hips.

“Because if you did then I could know the truth! Now it’s all conjecture!” Azriel fell onto the bed, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

“The truth about what?” Lucien asked. He didn’t like where Azriel was poking around. “What do you _think_ you know?”

Azriel stood, leaving the open bottle on Lucien’s bed and pulled Lucien close to him. Lucien’s face was red and his breath fogged in front of Azriel. Lucien pushed Azriel away from him, a micro-grimace flitting across his lips. Az frowned. “Why won’t you tell anyone that you’re sex-repulsed?”

“What.”

Az groaned. “I’m sick of repeating myself! You know exactly what I said!”

Lucien took a step back. “I’m-I’m not-”

“Yes, you are. So why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not broken.” Lucien snarled.

Azriel looked like he’d been slapped. “I never said you were.”

Azriel took a step forward. Lucien took a step back.

“I’m not broken.” Lucien repeated. Lucien’s hands were balled by his sides. “I’m not-”

“I never said you were.” Azriel whispered.

Tears shined in Lucien’s eyes, his lips were pulled downward slightly—Azriel couldn’t tell if it was a frown or a grimace or just Lucien’s ‘about to cry’ face. _Azriel couldn’t know the secret. If Az knew then-then-_

“You’re not broken. Lucien, are you even allosexual?” Azriel asked.

“Of-Of course I am! Wh-Of course I am! How dare you ask me that, Shadowsinger! How dare you-!”

“I’m not.”  
Lucien was, for once, at a loss for words. “I don’t-”

“I’m not allosexual. I’m a-spec. I’m not quite sure what yet, I flip between labels sometimes, but...” Az trailed off with a sigh. “I’m certainly not allosexual.”

Lucien stared at Azriel. “I-I don’t understand. How can you be okay with that?”

“How can I be okay with that? How can I not? It’s who I am.”

“But you’re-” _You’re like me. You’re broken._

“I’m me. And I’m fine.” Azriel said softly. “And you are too. You aren’t broken. You haven’t misled anyone or lied. You just haven’t found the right label, or aren’t ready to use the one you’ve found. But no one thinks you’re broken. No one.”

 _No._ Lucien couldn’t. “No.”

“Lucien, if you aren’t ready that’s… that’s fine too. I just… I needed to know if I was right. Am I right?” Azriel asked.

Lucien said nothing. “I need you to leave.”

“Lucien-”

“I _need_ you to _leave_.” Lucien repeated. Lucien expelled heat from himself, making the air shimmer around him like an aura.

“I’m sorry for pushing.” Azriel said with a nod, sobering up. “But when you want someone to know, you can tell me.”

 _Never_. Thought Lucien as Azriel left the room in a hurry. Lucien walked over to his bed, and felt something cylindrical and cold. Lucien groped around and picked up the object. A bottle of Dawn wine with about an eighth left. Lucien pressed it to his lips, and downed it all in one gulp.

_Never. No one else could ever know._

* * *

The knock on Azriel’s door was light and hesitant. Using his shadows Az could tell it was Lucien on the other side. “Come in,” Az said. He finished up his paperwork and started filing them to clear his desk.

Lucien walked in carefully. He looked uncomfortable, and he shifted from foot to foot.

“You can sit if you want.” Azriel offered. Lucien sat wordlessly. He played with his hair nervously.

“Do you want water?” Azriel asked. He stood and walked over to his pitcher of water on one of the shelves in his office.

“When I told Jes how I felt, she told me the label I was looking for was sex-repulsed asexual.” Lucien began, jumping into it. The words came out in a rush, and then Lucien dammed them up again. He stared at Azriel, waiting.

Azriel sat back down. He leaned over, looking at Lucien directly and kindly. “I’m listening.”


End file.
